time goes on

before...
"you have to live before you die young eh?"

im losing all interest in the concept, mostly because i have once become lost in the "dark haze" of my chemical imbalance. i have suffered from this disease for my whole life, and i will until my last day.

fuck everything

each waking moment.
everything gets harder and harder to cope with. i have been contemplating just hiding from pretty much everyone, it seems easier this way. i wish i had the money to get help.

blah
*huge fucking sigh*

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: peter gabriel "mercy street"

blah
uncertainty is really making a huge impact on me at this point. the lack of verbalization of others has made the future of my musical carrier to be left up in only speculation.
music for me is my only outlet. i have been let down time after time from different people just making things difficult in my own musical carrier and i'm down right sick of it. i must do this for the rest of my life. and i have come to terms with it. although, i have not been able to let this abolish my ambitions and aspirations to be a working musician. i guess i must come to terms with the fact that nothing good comes easily.

upsetting.

vacation?
so i have a week off of payed vacation. i really haven't done to much to celebrate though, blah.
i'm getting very tired of myself, and what i need is a escape from my thoughts. :/
i wish i could conquer this endless battle with myself.

damn

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: BTBAM

what needs to happen
i need to start setting some goals. i have just recently come to find out that there is something seriously wrong with my head. i honestly have come to the realization that, no matter what i do in my life i will battle this until the day i die. i feel as if my life is seeming to move along as according to plan, but all other shit aside my head cannot keep up with the stressful life style that i'm in.

i pushed my self to fucking far.

its going down.
work has been pretty shitty working overnights although it will be over with soon!
but we had our first show friday, it went awesome. it fucking felt so great to be behind the drums in front of 50 people moving around and banging there heads. i just cant fucking wait for years to come when i will be doing this every fucking day, this reminds me why i love doing what i do.
i guess I'm a drummer again !!!

we will be remembered for this. ;)

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: B.D.M.

: / blah
i have been super manic, and having way to many panic attacks. i promised myself once it effects my music then i need to get help....well it has, and monday i get to explain to
Dr. #9 about all my problems....

i'm excited

blah

bblllaaa...
so i have not updated in a few weeks. life seems to be going a lot smoother without my shitty med's. My life all of the sudden has come to a very slow and relaxing status, and i kind of like it although i feel suddenly very bored? ha ha
the band is going fairly well, the writing process is taking longer than i would like it to take. "nothing good comes easily" though i guess?
slowly but surely we will be out with a full set of music that i hope we will all be content with.

ugh...

until next time

god...
311 ruled so fucking hard. i was 20 ft. from the stage. i have waited so long for it!!!! god it was awesome.

Amy i'm glad i shared the experience with you, you are beautiful and thank you so much!

Current Music: Minus the Bear

these aren't the droids you are looking for....
selfishness has always been a huge problem with me, and i have thought of myself up to this point to have ridden its ugly pathetic husk years ago. In retrospect i have been super selfish with my musical ideals and aspirations, and for that i am deeply upset with my thoughts and actions. this isn't just me in the band, and there is no (I) in "team". i must continue to push these selfish notions aside and progress on being the best that i can at something i love doing. (drumming for those who don't know)

i need to do this to keep me complete and whole. each week with these trials and tribulations that we as four members go though will be nonexistent soon enough, and we will create the most mind-bending music all of you sick fuckers will ever hear.

fear not, your melodic-technical-metal hymen's will be broken with the ravage piercing of our trident shape cocks. we will fuck you.

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Current Music: 311 ~~~~

i dont get it...
when am i ever going to find solace and contentment, i really think that my mind is eating itself away and my release to all of the tension in my life has almost been nonexistent....i cant handle my own thoughts anymore, i fucking swear it....i seriously think that something isn't right.

i just want her here, and very close.

seven years and waiting
well finally my day has come. i get to see 311 on Thursday.
I'm so fucking pumped , i have been waiting way to long for this. amy you are amazing i just wish you understood me.

although i have discontinued the medication i have been on , and life has never looked so different. its almost like being reborn. its like , falling in love and having your heart broken at the same time. i feel as if my soul is trying to tell me something... something not good. it feels as if i have been numb for the past three years of my life, though wanting to jam a knife in my neck to see if i still feel pain.

there is so much i want to say about how i truly feel, though it will forever remain within my head and one day it will choose to destroy me. it will eat its way out of my thoughts once again....i promise

very weird
things have been very consistent, and very pleasing. In retrospect i guess this is what i imagined myself doing at this point in my life , and as a matter of fact I'm very very content with it. Everything seems to be just going a lot smoother than it has in a long time.

i have everything i have ever wanted, though it is hard to come to terms with it, its true. She is fifty percent of what i live for , and the band and music fill the other half.

the new bands fucking mind melting. I feel a sense of comfort in the direction in the way the creative process has taken a drastic turn. it feels so good to be apart of a family again...dudes i love you all.

until next time punks!

Current Music: Gordian Knot "singing deep mountain"

h
so things have been passing me by. i have been pretty content with all thats going on around me , accept this uncomfortable thorn in my side. it seems as if i will never get over this shit , and i hate myself for it. i will never understand why my mind always reverts back to this .... its upsetting.

i feel like i have a reason for being here, a reason for me to still be alive. i'm happy and content, it's just i guess i'm becoming overly apathetic about life ...

this new medication , is changing me ... i don't know how i like it.

Current Music: opeth "the leper affinity"

man , that was weird
i don't know why i waste my time. i guess when i feel compelled to talk to you, i do so and i hope for a respectable conversation. but that never happens. once again, that is wishful thinking on my part!

bed time. goodnight earth :)

Current Mood: mellow

crazy new stuf
so things have been going so much smoother for me now. life has been consisting of nothing but music , and a wonderful new human in my life. for those who don't know , or (for those who even care) Dan , Adam , Jesse , and i have created a new project. That means I'm back on the drums!!!

we ended up getting a room at the hive , and now are commencing full force on creating the heaviest shit you will ever hear from Michigan.

work is work and money is fucking scarce and almost nonexistent, though its fulling my rage against society.

but all that shit aside , her name is Amy and she has been making me very very happy.

until next time
:)

Current Music: the news talking about deaths in detroit

...
i wish i was someone else . i hate me , and i always have.

Current Music: bjork "aurora"

hmm
i have everything i have ever wanted. why the fuck do i still feel empty?
i don't think i will ever understand why i am always at a constant battle with my own soul.

so if i take another pill, will that mean it will make me happy?

Current Music: Bjork

press on push forth
another day in the past . this past weekend was pretty good , shits going smoothly again.
i love the feeling of being able to know that someone is thinking about me. it's good , because i know i'm thinking about her constantly. finally something real , something shared and comfortable. i feel like nothing really matters anymore , besides a few things that keep me happy and completely sane.

finally contentment.

Current Music: minus the bear

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